Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
I
wonder, is there anyone without any regrets in this world? Is there anyone who
lives fully and never chose something that turned out to be the thing not to be
chosen? Is there anyone who makes the right choices and deeds without the need
to fall down to their knees and cry for the wrong ones?
Clearly,
I’m not one of those.
I regret
of the times that I do not hold ISLAM firmly in my heart.
I regret
the deeds I did for the sake of nafs and syaytan.
I regret
the ignorance that I portrayed in the presence of a needing friend.
I regret
paying attention to the things that brought me farther from Allah.
Oh, the
things that I regret!
There
was one time; I was given the chance to replenish the bond that had been far
taken apart. I could see that I should be there, I should forgive, and I should
forget… But I didn’t. I ran away, while covering my ears to the cries of help.
I smirked at the sight, glee at the scene of the crime. I presented myself only
as an actress, and a good one I bet, that I was only given smiles and hugs for
all the lies that I gracefully played on stage.
How
stupid I was. How ignorant. A fool!
Now, the
chance had been taken away. Should I cry? Rains of tears had fell and dried
uncountable times, that I fear tears of blood will be the only price to pay.
Should I scream? Who will ever hear my screams of sadness and repentance in my
heart, and do I dare to tell? This memory will never fade as long as I breathe,
as I will not let myself forget. Never.
Firman
Allah: “Katakanlah wahai hamba-hamba-Ku yang melampaui batas, janganlah kamu
berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Dialah yang Maha Pengampun lagi
Maha Penyayang.”
(As-Zumar:
53)
“Wahai
orang-orang yang beriman! Bertaubatlah kamu kepada Allah dengan taubat nasuha,
mudah-mudahan Tuhan kamu akan menghapuskan kesalahan-kesalahan kamu dan
memasukkan kamu ke dalam syurga yang mengalir di bawahnya beberapa sungai.”
(At-Tahrim:
8)
I fell
to my knees, crying for help from Him the Almighty. I have forgotten my place,
I have forgotten my duties, and I have forgotten my responsibilities. I’m sorry
that it takes such a huge event to open my eyes, oh what a price to pay! I didn’t
even get a last kiss of goodbye…
I vowed
myself that I will not repeat the same mistakes again. I will tear my mask, and
portray only the things that come from my heart. Never again will I hurt, while
enjoying the blessings that I should have shared. Fear must not overcome me,
for I must do what is right!
Today, I
am again reminded of this, and therefore should I be. That is why I’m writing
this, to remind you too, not only me, to embrace the moment and make the right
choices, fillah. If you are afraid of the change, and if you are scared of the
eyes that might see, remember that Allah is always there. Allah is your master.
And Allah is the only one that you should please.
“If
Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you,
who is there that can aid you after Him? And upon Allah let the believers rely.”
(Al
Imraan, 3:160)
There
might not be a second chance.
Grab it,
while you still can. Hug those dear to you tightly, for they might drift away
in the strong current of dunya. Do not make the same mistakes. Do not be the
same fool.
I am
trying my best to make the best of everything that I can. I might tumble along
the way, and limping for the rest. Ya Allah, please help this humble servant to
do her deeds dutifully without any excuses. Astaghfirullah… Astaghfirullah…
