[CURHAT] OH, THE THINGS THAT I REGRET!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

I wonder, is there anyone without any regrets in this world? Is there anyone who lives fully and never chose something that turned out to be the thing not to be chosen? Is there anyone who makes the right choices and deeds without the need to fall down to their knees and cry for the wrong ones?

Clearly, I’m not one of those.

I regret of the times that I do not hold ISLAM firmly in my heart.

I regret the deeds I did for the sake of nafs and syaytan.

I regret the ignorance that I portrayed in the presence of a needing friend.

I regret paying attention to the things that brought me farther from Allah.

Oh, the things that I regret!

There was one time; I was given the chance to replenish the bond that had been far taken apart. I could see that I should be there, I should forgive, and I should forget… But I didn’t. I ran away, while covering my ears to the cries of help. I smirked at the sight, glee at the scene of the crime. I presented myself only as an actress, and a good one I bet, that I was only given smiles and hugs for all the lies that I gracefully played on stage.

How stupid I was. How ignorant. A fool!

Now, the chance had been taken away. Should I cry? Rains of tears had fell and dried uncountable times, that I fear tears of blood will be the only price to pay. Should I scream? Who will ever hear my screams of sadness and repentance in my heart, and do I dare to tell? This memory will never fade as long as I breathe, as I will not let myself forget.  Never.

Firman Allah: “Katakanlah wahai hamba-hamba-Ku yang melampaui batas, janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Dialah yang Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang.”

(As-Zumar: 53)

“Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Bertaubatlah kamu kepada Allah dengan taubat nasuha, mudah-mudahan Tuhan kamu akan menghapuskan kesalahan-kesalahan kamu dan memasukkan kamu ke dalam syurga yang mengalir di bawahnya beberapa sungai.”

(At-Tahrim: 8)

I fell to my knees, crying for help from Him the Almighty. I have forgotten my place, I have forgotten my duties, and I have forgotten my responsibilities. I’m sorry that it takes such a huge event to open my eyes, oh what a price to pay! I didn’t even get a last kiss of goodbye…

I vowed myself that I will not repeat the same mistakes again. I will tear my mask, and portray only the things that come from my heart. Never again will I hurt, while enjoying the blessings that I should have shared. Fear must not overcome me, for I must do what is right!

Today, I am again reminded of this, and therefore should I be. That is why I’m writing this, to remind you too, not only me, to embrace the moment and make the right choices, fillah. If you are afraid of the change, and if you are scared of the eyes that might see, remember that Allah is always there. Allah is your master. And Allah is the only one that you should please.

“If Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you, who is there that can aid you after Him? And upon Allah let the believers rely.”

(Al Imraan, 3:160)

There might not be a second chance.

Grab it, while you still can. Hug those dear to you tightly, for they might drift away in the strong current of dunya. Do not make the same mistakes. Do not be the same fool.

I am trying my best to make the best of everything that I can. I might tumble along the way, and limping for the rest. Ya Allah, please help this humble servant to do her deeds dutifully without any excuses. Astaghfirullah… Astaghfirullah…